Today we had rain and sunshine. My husband cleared away stuff he has from his parents. Trying to get it on our attic he came back showing me some dead wasps and a paper structure. He was a bit scared and did not see the rest of the nest in the attic. So I walked the tiny steps up to our attic and there it was - the rest of the nest, but without wasps - so I could take it away.
Seems like an epedemic here around - a lot of people of the generation of my parents get cancer.
Do not know if there is a coincidence that I lived (and my parents and relatives still live) in the 20 km circle around a nuclear power plant. I could see the big clouds coming out of the cooling system from my window at home.
I was happy when I moved out - and not just because I left the 20 km circle.
I need to stay away from my family to stay healthy. When you look for a perfect example how parents can give their children a feel of not wanted, shame, no worth, not good enough you could try my parents. Well, and when you look for someone who has problems to forgive and forget I am a great example.
Just to give you a bit of a feeling what I mean - o.k., I could tell you 1001 stories, but I do not want to get into every detail again and some are too private for this room here:
When I was a child my mother told me the story that she had to give up her beloved teddybear at the age of ten coz my Granny gave him as a present to the newborn baby of her younger sister and that she was really pissed by this. When I was 14 I got a great sweater as a present from my godmother- it was a bit big so my mother gave it my sister to wear until I grow into it. My sister damaged the sweater and I got three old ones of her for it, old ones I would have gotten without the incident, too.
There are variations of this story, a blouse I wanted my sister got and so on...
When I broke up with my first husband I moved back for a short time to my parents - I looked for paternal love, a nice nest to get back to - to get over the bad episode I just left. I got: why did you not look for a flat of your own before you broke up? Why did you not tell us before that something went wrong? ...
When I phone my mother I can be sure she is not interested in me. She will everything I have play down like: Oh, you did you know soandso has had the same but with...
I did not believe in my own feelings and wantings for a long long time. I never thought I was worth these wishes and wantings. And I just try to give myself the space I need to thrive just now. I still fail sometimes, but I believe that is normal. I believe my life would have been easier when I would have had the deep trust that I have a family to fall back on when I need.
I am happy I found my second husband who gives me space to thrive, a place to come back to and a place I know I am loved.
These days we had summer here. Sunshine and no rain. Beautiful clouds at dawn, but no rain. No rain, no rain....
I did not want to water everything by hand. I decided just to water the newly planted plants. The other have to survive on their own. I do not know if everyone will make it.
I am happy I planted some cacti outside. They like this weather and are in good shape.
When I started my first diary I used a beautiful chinese blank book. I still remember the red and gold and black and the case it came with. I loved it.
Well, until my sister went into my room, looked around - found it and told my mother everything she had read in it (good was I had only written for three days) laughing out loud about the things I had written.
Now I miss having no proof for my memories. Am I remembering everything right? Or do I get everything wrong?
Books were during that part of time my only room for privacy. I had a room for my own since the age of 7, but I had to let the door open during the day. All thirty minutes my mother or my granny payed me visits to look if I did learn and behave well.
I am happy I learned to love books during that time - I still love to open a book frish from the press - the smell, the places, the people....
But writing? It took a long time until I started writing again - here in 2008.
I am still sometimes not sure if I get the words and meanings right - if if get the so called truth right.
I know I can not capture a whole moment in writing - it will alltimes be only a part of the puzzle I can write about.
For today we were invited for a big party with relatives from my husbands side. About 150 people and a mere five hours drive away with the possibility to sleep in their b&b.
Well, I got my cold back badly on wednesday. Today I feel better, but am still sneezing a lot. And nobody wants a partyguest you see just behind handkerchiefs, sure? So I decided to stay home and get well and drink tea.