Mittwoch, 17. Juni 2015

random thoughts

Seems like an epedemic here around - a lot of people of the generation of my parents get cancer.
Do not know if there is a coincidence that I lived (and my parents and relatives still live) in the 20 km circle around a nuclear power plant. I could see the big clouds coming out of the cooling system from my window at home.

I was happy when I moved out - and not just because I left the 20 km circle.

I need to stay away from my family to stay healthy. When you look for a perfect example how parents can give their children a feel of not wanted, shame, no worth, not good enough you could try my parents. Well, and when you look for someone who has problems to forgive and forget I am a great example.

Just to give you a bit of a feeling what I mean - o.k., I could tell you 1001 stories, but I do not want to get into every detail again and some are too private for this room here:

When I was a child my mother told me the story that she had to give up her beloved teddybear at the age of ten coz my Granny gave him as a present to the newborn baby of her younger sister and that she was really pissed by this. When I was 14 I got a great sweater as a present from my godmother- it was a bit big so my mother gave it my sister to wear until I grow into it. My sister damaged the sweater and I got three old ones of her for it, old ones I would have gotten without the incident, too.
There are variations of this story, a blouse I wanted my sister got and so on...

When I broke up with my first husband I moved back for a short time to my parents - I looked for paternal love, a nice nest to get back to - to get over the bad episode I just left. I got: why did you not look for a flat of your own before you broke up? Why did you not tell us before that something went wrong? ...

When I phone my mother I can be sure she is not interested in me. She will everything I have play down like: Oh, you did you know soandso has had the same but with...

I did not believe in my own feelings and wantings for a long long time. I never thought I was worth these wishes and wantings. And I just try to give myself the space I need to thrive just now. I still fail sometimes, but I believe that is normal. I believe my life would have been easier when I would have had the deep trust that I have a family to fall back on when I need.

I am happy I found my second husband who gives me space to thrive, a place to come back to and a place I know I am loved.


jabbott hat gesagt…

Sorry to hear things are not so good with you and mother. If you ever need a hear, Just drop me a line or email me. Take care x

Sandra Dunn hat gesagt…

It is difficult not to have the love and respect of certain family sometimes. I feel you on this, Lily.

wide-eyed-tree hat gesagt…

I recently read an interesting book where they say that cancer, but also other hard illnesses have always to do with an inner conflict. They even can say depending where the cancer is located and on which side of the body what the main topic of the conflict was. It is super interesting! I looked it up for my own health issues that I have and had and it opened my eyes. I wish everyone would just be happy and healthy.