Seems like an epedemic here around - a lot of people of the generation of my parents get cancer.
Do not know if there is a coincidence that I lived (and my parents and relatives still live) in the 20 km circle around a nuclear power plant. I could see the big clouds coming out of the cooling system from my window at home.
I was happy when I moved out - and not just because I left the 20 km circle.
I need to stay away from my family to stay healthy. When you look for a perfect example how parents can give their children a feel of not wanted, shame, no worth, not good enough you could try my parents. Well, and when you look for someone who has problems to forgive and forget I am a great example.
Just to give you a bit of a feeling what I mean - o.k., I could tell you 1001 stories, but I do not want to get into every detail again and some are too private for this room here:
When I was a child my mother told me the story that she had to give up her beloved teddybear at the age of ten coz my Granny gave him as a present to the newborn baby of her younger sister and that she was really pissed by this. When I was 14 I got a great sweater as a present from my godmother- it was a bit big so my mother gave it my sister to wear until I grow into it. My sister damaged the sweater and I got three old ones of her for it, old ones I would have gotten without the incident, too.
There are variations of this story, a blouse I wanted my sister got and so on...
When I broke up with my first husband I moved back for a short time to my parents - I looked for paternal love, a nice nest to get back to - to get over the bad episode I just left. I got: why did you not look for a flat of your own before you broke up? Why did you not tell us before that something went wrong? ...
When I phone my mother I can be sure she is not interested in me. She will everything I have play down like: Oh, you did you know soandso has had the same but with...
I did not believe in my own feelings and wantings for a long long time. I never thought I was worth these wishes and wantings. And I just try to give myself the space I need to thrive just now. I still fail sometimes, but I believe that is normal. I believe my life would have been easier when I would have had the deep trust that I have a family to fall back on when I need.
I am happy I found my second husband who gives me space to thrive, a place to come back to and a place I know I am loved.
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